Thank you, Caroline. I don’t know if this brings relief, encouragement or something else, but I still find myself swinging between these seemingly polar opposites, even in my grandmother hood. My experience is that there is less and less clarity as we age. Indeed, the intense transitions and disruptions of mid-life have required an ever deepening trust in God. I’ve simply had no choice! I wrestle every day with the desires to either curl up with a good book and enjoy the stillness and peace in my home, or to get busy building “my” ministry. Can’t say I’ve found how to reconcile them. I haven’t, but I suspect I’ll find it in the presence of Jesus, that’s usually where everything comes clear. Blessings to you and your beautiful family.
Oh I love reading about how this shows up for you as a grandmother; we need all the stories from women ahead of us! Thank you for sharing how the many major changes in a woman’s life invite a re-imagining of what trust looks like now.
Thank you, Tabitha, I’m really glad to hear that. I’m always wondering about how to pull on the universal threads of my particular niche (and motherhood can be a particularly fraught niche). Grateful this resonated with you.
Yes to all of this. Thank you for putting it out there. I love the story you shared about mother Teresa . I find myself asking for clarity a lot these days… feeling a little lost and unclear about my path and desires and present reality. Thanks for reminding me to Trust. And allow myself to BE where I am and know that God knows every desire and every question and every struggle and loves me through it. Bless you in your mothering, your seeking, and your unfolding path. 💛
I resonate so deeply with every word of this, Caroline. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, your trust, and your dreams. I will read your entire book one day. May the slow work of God continue to unfold in the beauty and exhaustion of your day to day life. The world is hungry for your words. 💛
Oh Caroline. You speak what so many, myself included, play tug of war with in their hearts. I resonated with this. A beautifully written piece. If it helps in any way, I would like to share that I would enjoy a sliver of your online existence, wherever it may be. But God willing somewhere I can read more of this from you. Thank you for venturing out of your private inner courts to share with us 🤍
"I want to be in the room where it happens // I want to live a slow, quiet life where interruptions don’t derail me
I want to be articulate and profound // I want to be attuned and present"
Oh my goodness, yes! Thank you for continuing to share even what feels like a muddle and lack of clarity. As I am beginning to wrestle with the "what's next" in my own life, I am so encouraged by your tangible example of knowing the word your child is looking for and his trust in you. I am grabbing on to that to try to come back to when I start to pray for clarity!
I'm grateful this resonated with you, Rachel. I just love how unbothered my son is by not knowing something. Sure, he's insistent – he won't give up until you figure it out – but he locks eyes with you and stays with you until you get on the same page. He teaches me everyday what it means to abide with Jesus.
Thank you for your willingness to ‘not know’ out loud! Makes me feel close to you - to be let into the messy edges that we sometimes have to tolerate for a long time before we can see the whole portrait of our calling.
I see you embodying Rilke’s invitation, to live the questions. I’ve found that it’s in tolerating the paradoxes of all we want out of life that our soul sparkles in the direction we are meant for.
I’m curious - how do you differentiate between trusting yourself and trusting God?
Mmmm friend, what a good question. I could unpack this with you for days, but here’s some first thoughts…
A mentor of mine once shared a story about her daughter. When her daughter was young, she loved playing in the kitchen making food for her mom. Of course, her daughter didn’t actually know what ingredients to mix together to make an omelette so she’d dump all sorts of spices and sauces into the bowl with raw egg and serve it to her mom with the biggest smile on her face. The “omelette” was actually disgusting, but my mentor tasted it with such delight because it was an offering made with love.
To me, this is a picture of what it looks like to navigate this relationship of trust with God and with oneself. We make our most loving guess and God delights in our intention and attempt. It may not always work out – it may end disastrously – but if we seek to abide in God's love and rely on God's care then, as Julian of Norwich says, all will be well.
There’s a verse in Psalms that says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” I used to read that as transactional – to get what I want, I need to give God what he wants. But I don’t believe it that way anymore. Now I read it, “as I delight in the Lord, the Lord shapes the desires of my heart.” In other words, my invitation is to abide in Love and as I do, with my most loving guesses, God forms the desires of my heart. As such, I don’t have to fear desire or distrust myself.
Finally, I think one of the byproducts of our modern digital era is the assumption that we have a right to know everything and be the most sovereign decision maker over our lives – I know myself and I know what's best for me. But I don’t believe this to be true...not in an absolute kind of way. I don’t know everything or what’s best for me in all things at all times. I see this less as a distrust in myself and more as a conviction of faith in One who is greater.
All this to say, I'm learning it's not quite as black & white as I was raised to believe...
I’ve been reading the poems of Hafiz lately and he wrote,
“You are a divine bell
that the Beloved is ringing with His own hand.
You were a blessed slave to Truth
that died like a cut reed and became hollow -
Turned into a divine instrument
that God now lifts to His own mouth,
plays to summon this world to freedom.”
It’s such a beautiful part of spiritual existence, to feel more and more embodied in Gods love as the years go on. I feel the current of His love flowing so strong through you. What a blessing to be your friend!
I want to know my children so intimately that before a word is on their tongue, I know it completely.
I want to show them – and you – that this is what God’s trustworthy love is like.” YES THIS SO GOOD
Motherhood changed my whole understanding of God, and helping people see the mothering love of God in the way you describe has become a huge part of my work as a priest.
Thank you for sharing your words on this big and weird internet. It’s impossibly hard to know how to do it right, but I’m always grateful for your beautiful words.
Thank you, Caroline. I don’t know if this brings relief, encouragement or something else, but I still find myself swinging between these seemingly polar opposites, even in my grandmother hood. My experience is that there is less and less clarity as we age. Indeed, the intense transitions and disruptions of mid-life have required an ever deepening trust in God. I’ve simply had no choice! I wrestle every day with the desires to either curl up with a good book and enjoy the stillness and peace in my home, or to get busy building “my” ministry. Can’t say I’ve found how to reconcile them. I haven’t, but I suspect I’ll find it in the presence of Jesus, that’s usually where everything comes clear. Blessings to you and your beautiful family.
Oh I love reading about how this shows up for you as a grandmother; we need all the stories from women ahead of us! Thank you for sharing how the many major changes in a woman’s life invite a re-imagining of what trust looks like now.
The internal feud between all of our desires is- at times- debilitating. Especially after the breaking that is motherhood.
Thank you for your words!
Also that line about clarity with mother Teresa…. Ruined my prayers from the last like 6 years ha
Getting that book next!
Haha same, the first time I read that story I felt CALLED OUT
This is such a rich reflection. I feel the tension of this question as a writer who does not write about marriage or motherhood.
Thank you, Tabitha, I’m really glad to hear that. I’m always wondering about how to pull on the universal threads of my particular niche (and motherhood can be a particularly fraught niche). Grateful this resonated with you.
Yes to all of this. Thank you for putting it out there. I love the story you shared about mother Teresa . I find myself asking for clarity a lot these days… feeling a little lost and unclear about my path and desires and present reality. Thanks for reminding me to Trust. And allow myself to BE where I am and know that God knows every desire and every question and every struggle and loves me through it. Bless you in your mothering, your seeking, and your unfolding path. 💛
The grace to BE where we are, as we are, is a wild and holy gift. Thanks for reminding me of that, Abby.
I resonate so deeply with every word of this, Caroline. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, your trust, and your dreams. I will read your entire book one day. May the slow work of God continue to unfold in the beauty and exhaustion of your day to day life. The world is hungry for your words. 💛
Oh what a gift your encouragement is, Addie. Thank you
Oh Caroline. You speak what so many, myself included, play tug of war with in their hearts. I resonated with this. A beautifully written piece. If it helps in any way, I would like to share that I would enjoy a sliver of your online existence, wherever it may be. But God willing somewhere I can read more of this from you. Thank you for venturing out of your private inner courts to share with us 🤍
Thank you, Cné, your affirmation is blessing me today ♥️
"I want to be in the room where it happens // I want to live a slow, quiet life where interruptions don’t derail me
I want to be articulate and profound // I want to be attuned and present"
Oh my goodness, yes! Thank you for continuing to share even what feels like a muddle and lack of clarity. As I am beginning to wrestle with the "what's next" in my own life, I am so encouraged by your tangible example of knowing the word your child is looking for and his trust in you. I am grabbing on to that to try to come back to when I start to pray for clarity!
I'm grateful this resonated with you, Rachel. I just love how unbothered my son is by not knowing something. Sure, he's insistent – he won't give up until you figure it out – but he locks eyes with you and stays with you until you get on the same page. He teaches me everyday what it means to abide with Jesus.
Thank you for your willingness to ‘not know’ out loud! Makes me feel close to you - to be let into the messy edges that we sometimes have to tolerate for a long time before we can see the whole portrait of our calling.
I see you embodying Rilke’s invitation, to live the questions. I’ve found that it’s in tolerating the paradoxes of all we want out of life that our soul sparkles in the direction we are meant for.
I’m curious - how do you differentiate between trusting yourself and trusting God?
Mmmm friend, what a good question. I could unpack this with you for days, but here’s some first thoughts…
A mentor of mine once shared a story about her daughter. When her daughter was young, she loved playing in the kitchen making food for her mom. Of course, her daughter didn’t actually know what ingredients to mix together to make an omelette so she’d dump all sorts of spices and sauces into the bowl with raw egg and serve it to her mom with the biggest smile on her face. The “omelette” was actually disgusting, but my mentor tasted it with such delight because it was an offering made with love.
To me, this is a picture of what it looks like to navigate this relationship of trust with God and with oneself. We make our most loving guess and God delights in our intention and attempt. It may not always work out – it may end disastrously – but if we seek to abide in God's love and rely on God's care then, as Julian of Norwich says, all will be well.
There’s a verse in Psalms that says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” I used to read that as transactional – to get what I want, I need to give God what he wants. But I don’t believe it that way anymore. Now I read it, “as I delight in the Lord, the Lord shapes the desires of my heart.” In other words, my invitation is to abide in Love and as I do, with my most loving guesses, God forms the desires of my heart. As such, I don’t have to fear desire or distrust myself.
Finally, I think one of the byproducts of our modern digital era is the assumption that we have a right to know everything and be the most sovereign decision maker over our lives – I know myself and I know what's best for me. But I don’t believe this to be true...not in an absolute kind of way. I don’t know everything or what’s best for me in all things at all times. I see this less as a distrust in myself and more as a conviction of faith in One who is greater.
All this to say, I'm learning it's not quite as black & white as I was raised to believe...
I’ve been reading the poems of Hafiz lately and he wrote,
“You are a divine bell
that the Beloved is ringing with His own hand.
You were a blessed slave to Truth
that died like a cut reed and became hollow -
Turned into a divine instrument
that God now lifts to His own mouth,
plays to summon this world to freedom.”
It’s such a beautiful part of spiritual existence, to feel more and more embodied in Gods love as the years go on. I feel the current of His love flowing so strong through you. What a blessing to be your friend!
“I want to desire trust more than clarity.
I want to embrace my humanity.
I want to know my children so intimately that before a word is on their tongue, I know it completely.
I want to show them – and you – that this is what God’s trustworthy love is like.” YES THIS SO GOOD
Motherhood changed my whole understanding of God, and helping people see the mothering love of God in the way you describe has become a huge part of my work as a priest.
Thank you for sharing your words on this big and weird internet. It’s impossibly hard to know how to do it right, but I’m always grateful for your beautiful words.
Thank you Sydney. I love hearing how motherhood has enlarged your theology and work as a priest. What a gift!